While the world was reeling at the news of a seemingly random attack at a Bondi Junction shopping centre on April 13, 2024, for many of Alyssa Elsley’s clients it was a nightmare that conjured fears much closer to home.
Though horrified and deeply saddened like most, this group share an insight into the heartache felt by the killer’s family. A pain many would find hard to fathom.
Alyssa is a counsellor at ARAFMI (the Association of Relatives and Friends of the Mentally Ill).
From their homebase at Adamstown’s Brunker Road, Alyssa and her colleague Chantel support carers, family and friends of those with mental illness.
Many of the people they assist are living with a loved one with schizophrenia.
“We have many family members who resonated with the parents of the person with schizophrenia,” Alyssa says.
“For them, the incident was all too close to home, a feeling of dread sitting with family members who related to this story that this easily could have been them and their adult child”.
Started in Sydney in 1974, ARAFMI branched out into the Hunter region in 1979, before entering the care of Samaritans in 2019.
The service is funded by NSW Ministry of Health and Hunter New England Mental Health.
Together, Alyssa and Chantel offer support to more than 75 people per month (four per day).
“We primarily offer counselling to family members and carers, relatives and friends who have a loved one in their life with mental illness,” Alyssa explains.
“That could include a range of diagnoses - schizophrenia, borderline personality disorder, bipolar, and neurodiversity, including ADHD and autism.
“And it could also include helping family members that are dealing with issues like hoarding, helping others let go of resentment, navigating the mental health system, dealing with a loved one during their psychosis.”
It also includes grieving a loved one after they have been diagnosed with a mental illness.
“It is a complicated and complex grief because it is a type of loss that is complicated and complex,” explains Alyssa.
ARAFMI is a free counselling service.
Clients are either referred by social workers, doctors, hospitals, community mental health teams, other services, or self-referral.
“When they first arrive [at Brunker Road], a lot of people are frustrated,” Alyssa explains.
“They may have been caring for an adult child, been doing it for years, been through all the ups and downs, and they’re tired.”
Burn out in this case is referred to as ‘carer fatigue’.
“The conversation might be ‘we can’t do it anymore, we can’t keep paying their fines, sorting out their messes, we don’t want this in our house anymore,’” she says.
“We support by helping carers learn about setting boundaries.
“They’re usually exhausted and we’ll help reset goals, unpack grief, and relearn communication techniques.
“It’s ok to say no to a loved one with mental illness,” Alyssa reiterates.
“It doesn’t mean you love them less or support them any less.”
Having worked with Samaritans since 2008 in a range of services, Alyssa says her six years at ARAFMI has cemented her belief that carers deserve care.
“The relief I see when they (clients) can get things off their chest is the most rewarding aspect of my role,” she says.
“When they say it’s so nice to be supported because it's such a hard gig, I feel so privileged to be in this position.
“Even though you might not be fixing the problems they are experiencing with their loved ones, you’re making it a little easier for them to cope and bear and giving them hope to keep going.
“We are a vital part of the mental health system.
“If we don’t care for the carers, then our carers aren’t able to help our people with mental health issues.”
The carers are, in fact, assisting the overall mental health system by supporting their loved one at home, without overloading our hospitals.
It is vital carers feel supported.
“It’s important carers prioritise their own mental health,” Alyssa says.
“You can’t pour from an empty cup. You’ve got to care for yourself before you can care for someone else.
“Coming here is taking care of yourself.”